Old Blevins 

We had a little quarrel, she and I 
She told me just to curl up and die 
I crept out to drown my sorrows,
at a joint called No Tomorrows 
Where the old man came and looked me in the eye 
Old Blevins 
I could tell he had some wisdom to impart 
Some story that was etched and burned and stamped upon his heart 
Then his eyes began to glisten, 'cause he could see that I would listen 
We sat there at the bar 'til nearly three 
And this is what Old Blevins said to me
He said "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah In…

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Teenage Immigrant Welfare Mothers on Drugs 

It's been five years since we had a raise in pay
And they disallowed my business lunches today
Somebody must have changed the rules of the game
So we've found a convenient scapegoat we can blame

It's those teenage immigrant welfare mothers on drugs (They're too lazy to work)
Teenage immigrant welfare mothers on drugs (They're stealing our jobs) 

Somebody ran this country deep into debt
I called up Congress, but nobody's called back yet
Sometimes I get so mad I can't think straight
We're looking for relief and it…

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Stupid Texas Song 

Texas is a big state, North to South and East to West 
Alaska doesn't really count, we're bigger than the rest 
You can waltz across it, though, so grab your yellow rose 
And sing another song of Texas--this is how it goes

One more stupid song about Texas 
For miles and miles it rambles on Biggest egos, biggest hair, biggest liars anywhere 
Let's sing another stupid Texas song

By God we're so darn proud to be from Texas--yahoo!
Even of our pride we're proud and we're proud of that pride, too
Our pride about our…

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Shallow End of the Gene Pool 

My Daddy was a man of letters
My Mama was a head of state 
And when they got their chromosomes together 
They gave me all of their recessive traits 
I'm an embarrassment to evolution 
My disposition is unstable and cruel
My blood's a catastrophic blend
'Cause I'm from the shallow end of the gene pool

My IQ is a negative number
I've got a sense of humor no one can stand
And my development was seriously encumbered
By playing music with the Lounge Lizards band 
I'm a social director's nightmare 
At dinner parties I just…

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Hey Little Minivan 

On Deadman's Curve I used to shut 'em down, 
I had the hottest muscle car in my hometown 
I could burn rubber in all four gears, 
But I haven't done that in a million years
Hey, little minivan, we're goin' to the grocery store
She's got an automatic tranny with overdrive, 
and the radio's tuned to Magic 95 
She gets 30 miles on a gallon of gas, 
And I can schlep all the girls to gymnastics class 
She's got her headlights on both night and day, 
She's the most practical value in the USA 
She's got cruise control, ABS…

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Strange Noises in the Dark 

We broke up long ago, but time is not passing for me
You live in Apartment 3A; I exist in Apartment 3B
Whiskey helps me get through I guess I've had quite a few
And now I'm awakening to 
Strange noises in the dark 
Oh, no, my ears don't deceive
your bed springs are singing their song
Oh, no, I must not believe that's your voice I hear screaming along
I am glued to my spot In this cruel trap I am caught
You're really making a lot of
Strange noises in the dark
Moaning . . . and synchronized groaning
Was it he who kept…

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80 Hillbillies in a Haunted House 

Here we go, down the road, uh-huh 
Eighty hillbillies in Tennessee went drivin' on highway 23. 
They took a turn and they headed west, why they did that, anyone's guess
There were 87 of 'em when they started out, but 5 of 'em died and 2 fell out 
One named Buck, his wife was half dead 
Should-a left her at home, but he brought her instead 
They were heading west on County Rd 8, 
When they spotted a house that looked just great 
Four stories tall and 50 yards wide, the hillbillies decided to look inside 

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Forty Years Old and I'm livin' in my Mom's Garage 

She used to be the one who held me closest to her heart
We were like one person, but we've drifted far apart
Now when I need her most, she will not support me
And if I won't go quietly, she'll have to report me
She wants me to act like some middle-aged man
I used to think she knew me, but she can't understand
That it's hard to make a living doing watercolor and collage
That's why I'm forty years old and I'm living in my Mom's garage

My girlfriend's all but finished with her graduate degree
She always knows the…

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